Screaming Energy Drink Reviews

Gamma Labs Pre-Training Formula Tropical Punch

Sat, 21 Jan 2012 15:16:19 EST

Jason's Review

When I received Gamma Labs Pre-Training Formula mix in the mail, I was happy for two reasons, it didn't take up a cubic foot of storage, like 12 cans of soda, and I didn't pay a fortune in shipping charges to transport water. While mixes are not uncommon in the bodybuilding arena, they're only beginning to take hold in the energy drink market. I'm a huge proponent of concentrates, mixes and bulk packaging. How ridiculous is it to pay to ship water, and do I really need a different 2oz. bottle for my energy shot every day? My only complaint with Gamma Labs is that this big jug of a container only comes with 8oz of powder. I know, all the workout enhancement products come in super-mega-oversized containers, so I digress. After all, I'd rather pay to ship air than 192fl.oz. of carbonated water.

I checked out the Gamma Labs website and their Youtube channel, both were filled with people more fit and attractive than me. Immediately, all my happiness from receiving this mix in the mail was buried under years of negative self-image and mounds of my own fat rolls. My roommates last five peanut butter cookies and pirated chinese-subtitled episodes of Mike and Molly were my only solace.

Putting my self-loathing aside, I mixed up a batch of Gamma Labs Tropical Punch. Kiana Phi, who's life work is apparently making everyone else feel worse about themselves by way of her near-perfect physique, describes the Tropical Fruit as having a "nice tangy flavor". I'd argue that she left out "gritty", I take that back, I wouldn't argue anything with her. Not only could she hurt me physically, she seems pretty nice...which almost makes feel bad that I'm so envious of her stupid face.

I watched another video with Bobby Lashley, hoping to get some clarity on how Gamma Labs works, what the heck "pumps" are, or how to get in touch with Kiana Phi. Unfortunately, the only thing it cleared up for me is why I wear a t-shirt on the beach, and maybe why guys like Bobby Lashley know how to get in touch with ladies like Kiana Phi, meanwhile the last time I got a girl's number it was about letting out the waist on pants I got too fat for.

Referencing the giantic tub (which does allow for readable text, unlike 2oz. Energy shots), I found that Gamma Labs offers a blend of l-arginine, l-citruline and a blend of 3 creatines so you can train longer, improve endurance, focus, and protein synthesis. Additionally, it contains anti-oxidants that lower muscle breakdown. The also say it increases recovery time, but to me, increasing sounds like that makes recovery times longer, and I imagine that's the antithesis of the desired effect. All these things are to happen, as the prophecy on the tub has foretold, if you consume it 30 minutes before your workout.

I'm going to be frank, you can continue to be judgmental and mean-spirited, I like Gamma Labs Pre-Training Formula. I feel a pronounced energy boost, but it's not raw and uncontrolled like VPX, and it doesn't make me want to cut my skin off with gate shears like Tweak Extreme. I'd compare it most to Speed Stack Pumped. For me, a really apparent increase in positive outlook was the most beneficial effect. I take St. John's Wort, and this product seems to enhance that gravitation toward positivity. Often, I have the physical capacity to tackle a job, I simply lack the drive, or I focus more on the obstacles than the goal.

The tub contains enough mix for 180fl. oz., either 30 6oz. Servings (made with 1 scoop of mix), 15 12oz. Servings (2 scoops), or some mathematical function that looks like 6x = y, where x is the number of scoops and y is the water in fl. oz., then dividing 180 by y to determine the number of servings per container. No matter how you do the math, it's 18 cent per fl. oz. in the recommended solution at $32 per mix barrel.

Stig's Review
I like that mixes encourage disrupting the natural archaic flow of products from manufacturer to bottler, to distributor, to store, to you. Powders weigh nothing, and can be sold directly from the manufacturer, with nominal shipping charges. Finally, after a scant 15 or 20 years, embracing direct internet sales and offering a big "up yours" to traditional sales channels, instead of begging for scraps from the distributor/retailer's table. I mean, would you rather buy this for $36 from their website, or pay $45 for it at GNC? What you'd rather pay is $25, which is probably what you could get it for, if there weren't some (somehow legal) price colluding for Gamma Labs not to underprice GNC. Thankfully, you can cut a little further into the BS by buying it for $32 at bodybuilding.com.

Unfortunately, I know companies holding firmly to the retail chains store teats, moving tons of units for the same gross profit they could get selling directly at 30% the volume, with 20% of the skilled labor and a smaller portion still of the hassle. I'm not sure when doing more work and getting a smaller piece of the pie became desirable, strictly to have a higher gross sales number. All that to say, Gamma Labs Pre-Training Formula Tropical Punch is an awesome product, albeit chalky, that's packaged, marketed and distributed like another cow in the herd. Why? Because you won't buy it unless GNC does the service of putting it on the shelf of their overpriced retail space, and for $20 more than you should be paying for it, you can leave with the warmth of knowing a guy making some low-double-digit-percentage over minimum wage assured you it will "Give you good focus, stamina and an intense pump", along with some other jargon you nodded and pretended to understand.

Obviously, this mostly empty tub won't find it's way into C-stores, grocery stores, hardware stores or "adult news" stores. The target market of this product knows where to find it, along with all the other big tubs of things at GNC.

Out of the gate, when you mix this with cold water, it's pretty chalky. After about 5 minutes, a lot of powder will settle to the bottom. If I stir it up again, it's less chalky. It looks like most people "in-the-know", perhaps including Kiana Phi, who Jason has a high school crush on, are using the blenderbottles, which have the patented blenderball in them. You may have better results with this contraption.

Other than the mild chalkiness, the taste is pretty good. I enjoy it enough to hardly even care about the chalky texture, particularly if I keep stirring it. If you don't keep stirring it, you're greeted with a pretty sandy bottom of mix when you reach the last couple of oz.

I felt awake, alert, focused and energized. I experienced everything the product claims, in reasonable proportions. Now, I'm no supplement expert, but I'd recommend this product to anyone not pregnant, or nursing, who is over the age of 18, who has consulted a physician, and is looking for SERIOUS PUMPS!.

Cintron Liquid Energy Tropical Azul Sugar Free

Thu, 05 Jan 2012 16:17:32 EST

Jason's Review

Cintron sent us heaps of products. They make shots in several flavors, along with 8.4 and 16oz. offerings of multiple flavors. We decided to review the Tropical Azul sugar free first, as we think it's one of the most appealing all-around. Cintron's branding falls somewhere between Absolute Citron and Corona. I have to guess they are hoping you make some mental connection and use this drink as a mixer.

The taste is pleasantly tart and fruity, and it's not so inundated with sucralose as to leave you with a film coating on your teeth, which we've experienced with other sucralose drinks. Cintron is relatively high in sodium, 9% of the USRDA per serving, so like a margarita, it's not incredibly thirst quenching.

Red Bull is the industry leader, I can only guess because consumers are largely uninformed. As the industry leader, however ill-deserving they are of that title, they should make a fine point of comparison for Cintron. I believe Red Bull Sugar Free has a pronounced chemical aftertaste, something akin to Aqua Net, most likely from the aspartame. I don't experience this perm parlor aerosol taint with Cintron's offering. For those imaginary people who were "blowing up Monster's inbox for years" to get them to offer a 0 calorie alternative to their 10 calorie lo-carb drink, Cintron should be the clear choice over Red Bull Sugar Free. Functionally, it contains all the major energizing components, caffeine, taurine, and b-vitamins. Cintron does contain about 10% more caffeine per serving. To conclude the explanation of Cintron as superior, in every way to Red Bull Sugar Free, Cintron's MSRP is $1.79, 20-40 cent less than the average Red Bull Sugar Free retail price.

Stig's Review
Ok, firstly, there's a little thing over the "o" at the end of Cintron, but RSS dislikes when I give it things that are plain text, and I'm not in the business of questioning RSS. Additionally, the video didn't have room for "Sugar Free", and Jason argued that we probably wouldn't ever get around to reviewing the non-sugar free one anyway.

With that said, other than getting this product in the mail, I've never heard of it. As Jason half-heatedly described, the name really is an amalgamation of several industry-leading alcoholic beverage company names, clearly represented in the Corona font.

The taste is fruity, but I find my enjoyment declines corresponding to any decrease in carbonation. I'm not a sophisticated drinker, and I recommend not mixing alcohol with energy drinks. That being said, my best guess, taking all the branding, etc. into account, would be that they either want you mixing this with tequila. This somewhat makes sense, as I think it tastes remotely like Full Throttle Blue Demon.

I find Cintron Liquid Energy Tropical Azul Sugar Free to be plenty energizing. It's not breaking new ground, but it keeps me awake and alert. I don't see the suggested retail price raising a great deal of eyebrows either, but it is cheaper than many other 8.3-8.4 ounce energy drinks, even if it's marginally.

Vitality Boost Energy Drink

Fri, 16 Dec 2011 12:35:44 EST

Jason's Review

Vitality Boost is a peculiar Asian energy drink from Taiwan. Most curiously, it's carbonated. It also has fewer grams of sugar than most Asian energy drinks, weighing in with 39g per 8.1oz. Serving, that's not to say it doesn't still have more sugar than anything we normally get here in the states. The can is similar in size, but the materials are lighter. What I mean is, the can doesn't feel like an empty artillery shell, like most Asian energy drinks.

On a sidenote, the design on the front is reminiscent of, perhaps, the greatest martial arts movie of all time, Jean-Claude Van Damme's Kickboxer.

Vitality Boost tastes the most "fruity" of these types of drinks, apple to be exact. It tastes noticeably less syrupy, I also don't find the carbonation as pronounced as American sodas.

Vitality Boost Energy Drink isn't particularly energizing. It tastes pretty good, and is easy to drink, but it's sort of a"ho-hum, I didn't get a caffeine withdrawal headache, but I could still be talked into a nap" experience.

On a positive note, you won't be as likely to expel unprocessed sugar in your urine, as with drinks like Super Lion, or Panther. Lastly, it comes with a price tag that's easier on the wallet than that carbonated pee water with the two discolored bovine on the label.

Stig's Review
Like many of the "exotic" drinks we review, it's likely the average reader of our site will never see this drink. I've seen Carabao make the occassional appearance in a convenience store, but the majority of these drinks are only available at Asian markets. It really is a shame, often drinks like Vitality Boost are priced well below the drinks normally available to the general US public, and are usually every bit as good, if not better.

It's possible, since most of the Asian energy drinks are completely uncarbonated and syrupy, that the American public may not find them appealing. Of course, with as fat and lazy as many of us are, I'm surprised we aren't clamoring for something with more empty calories. Vitality Boost is different, it's carbonated and with a simple sugar count that falls somewhere between Super Lion and the almighty Red Bull that everyone seems to hold so dear. As a result, it's possible, paired with a logo of a dude about to get booted in the ball sack, that Vitality Boost could find a market in the US.

To me, Vitality Boost tastes almost like a carbonated juice box. It's not so thick as to sit like phlegm in the back of my throat, but not refreshing enough for me to want to drink it with dinner. Apple is the most pronounced, flavor, and it's almost the only thing I taste.

All the energizing ingredients are there, caffeine, inositol, taurine, b-vitamins, but the quantity is not listed for most of these. I rest assured it could benefit from at least a healthy increase of caffeine.

As with nearly all the Asian energy drinks, the price is right.

Kymera Freakish Energy Mythic Melon

Sat, 10 Dec 2011 17:52:34 EST

Jason's Review

In the mid-90's, fueled by ESPN's extreme games and Mountain Dew's ad campaigns, almost everything was "extreme". It appears, nearly 20 years later, the trend has come back around, from unlikely places, with potentially fatal consequences.

The new Pottery Barn Teen catalog, clearly features a young girl, dangerously close to a polar bear, controlled by some sort of freakishly festive shock collar. Irresponsible advertisements like these are why hundreds of thousands of polar bears are put down by park rangers every year, and why another several million have been slaughtered in barbaric "polar bear roundup" rituals, in backwards states that still allow them.

On that note, the freakishly powerful Kymera Freakish Energy comes in three sizes, the relatively safe 2 serving, traditional 2oz. shot bottle, the mini-heart-attack 6fl.oz. Mobile refill station, and the lawsuit-waiting-to-happen 102fl. oz. $39.99 Power Pak. This 102 serving container dispenses the same formula as their 2oz. Shot from a boxed container, not unlike the distribution method of your mom's favorite pre-fight holiday wine.

If we've learned one thing from Four Loko, it's that college kids love to irresponsibly consume alcohol and caffeine, disregard the servings per container, throw the entire concept of moderation to the wind, then somehow transfer the responsibility for their stupidity to the manufacturer.

Now, if you're not a 12 year old, or a college student so poorly parented that you behave like a 12 year old, Kymera's Power Pak is a great value. At $39.99, with free shipping, from their website, you're looking at 51 2oz. Shots for less than a buck each.

The flavor, which they call Mythic Melon, is accurately named, at least with regards to the melon. It has a mild melon flavor, which I don't find overly artificially sweetened, like 5-hour energy.

Concerning the energy, let me emphasize that this product contains 2 servings. I drank both servings, and was uncomfortably energetic. I've sampled over 500 energy products over the last 6 years, this is 1 of only about 5 products I actually wanted to wear off. Like my reaction to Tweak Extreme and VPX Meltdown, my hands and feet were ice cold, while my chest, underarms and back were sweating like a wrangler, cornered by wily polar bears. Interestingly, Kymera and VPX Meltdown share an active ingredient which could have added hours to Kris and Kim's marriage.

At the time of this review, the company president has set up a coupon code Scream30, on the Kymera website which will get you the 102oz. Power Pak, a shot glass and refillable bottles for only $29.99. That's 59 cents per 2oz. Shot, or my recommendation would be 30 cents per 1oz. Shot.

Stig's Review
I can describe my experience with Kymera Freakish Energy very simply, I feel like I'm on drugs. I will not elaborate on my inexperience, or otherwise, with "party drugs". I will only say that this is strong, and if people don't know what to expect from it, they might be taken very much by surprise. As an "experienced energy drinker", I felt it safe to consume 2 servings. To elaborate on my experience, I was sweating, and restless with deep and intense heart palpitations. During the most intense times, I felt something between hunger and nausea. I found myself clinching my jaw involuntarily. I thought a great deal more intently about the opposite sex in interrupted staccato fashion. Let me get back to the sweating. The sweating was so intense, I had to change a moisture wicking shirt mid-day because it was too saturated for my comfort.

I'm personally not looking for the aforementioned sensations, but I'm sure there exists a demographic who is. They should very much like the intensity of this product, should find the melon flavor easily palatable, and will likely be most enthusiastic about the price. I urge all consumers of Kymera Freakish Energy to exercise extreme care and caution relating to the volume consumed. We're reviewing this product at the standard $40 price for the 102 serving Power Pak. For some indeterminate amount of time, You can use the promo code Scream30 to get $10 off at www.kymera.com

Everyday Energy Shots!

Thu, 01 Dec 2011 15:49:07 EST

Jason's Review

We don't usually review mixes, but Everyday Energy Shots! Is really just 10 dehydrated energy shots in a box. Each $20 kit comes with a 2fl.oz. Bottle and 10 2g mix packs that look like the Crystal Lights sticks.

I've been traveling with my laptop a good deal lately. It's easy to jam a handful of these packets in my 5-year-old laptop bag in the otherwise empty cell phone pocket, which was apparently designed for a Razr phone, and would never accommodate my HTC Evo. Convenient, since I can carry the bottle in my pocket. Unfortunately, airport security gives you strange looks while questioning if you're transporting 2fl.oz. Of your own urine.

You see, the Everyday Energy Shot! Bottle, looks a good deal like a miniature pee test bottle from the doctor's office. Functionally, this is because you want the large lid for putting in the packet, and a clear bottle to know if the mix is thoroughly dissolved. Practically, since the lemon-lime mix looks just like tinkle, drinking this in public gives the appearance of some urban application of Man Vs. Wild. Enjoying this with an unwrapped Baby Ruth might temporarily land you in the mental ward.

Since everyone knows people drink their own urine, this is really sort of a mute point. Misplacing the bottle or losing it is more of a realistic problem. Thankfully, you've probably got 20 5-hour energy shot bottles rolling around in the floorboard of your car. That's probably where your Everyday Energy Shot! Bottle is. I know it's where I found mine.

The taste is superior to any other shot or mix I've ever had. My biggest complaint with shots is that they are usually thick, and the aftertaste of artificial sweetener lingers for what literally seems like an eternity. My problem with mixes is that they are usually chalky, and also are often wrought with a heavy-handed artificially sweetened hand. Everyday Energy Shot! Suffers from neither of these problems. It's tart like lemon, not bitter like caffeine. It goes down so smoothly that I could enjoy it as a drink. As for the grittiness, there is none, I shake mine for about 30 seconds, look through the clear plastic of the mini-pee cup to see if anything is undissolved, if so, I keep on shaking, if not, I enjoy.

I have no problems with the effectiveness of Everyday Energy Shot! I'd say it's on par with the vast sea of $3 store-bought shots.

Fortunately, there are more advantages. The packaging suggests mixing it with a fruit smoothie or adding it to the last few oz of a sports drink or soda. I like to add it to lemon garlic chicken and broccoli. Lastly, while other bottles are recyclable, if you're environmentally conscious, nothing beats reusing the same bottle.

What should be an advantage, exploited to its fullest potential by the manufacturer, is that this entire package is about the same size and weight as a 72 pack of Claritin. While this is an obvious foothold to offer free shipping and maintain a profit at a reasonable retail price, which is impractical for energy shots, and nearly impossible for energy drinks, they want $7 to ship a tiny 8oz. box, and that brings the price to $2.70 per shot.

Stig's Review
Some people will say that the taste of Everyday Energy Shot is too tart, they, of course, are wrong. Everyday Energy has a delightful lemon flavor, which is sweetened with sucralose, but not to an extent I would call it lemonade flavor.

As Jason stated in his review, the small bottle and the mix sticks are rather convenient, but one has to convince the general public to pony up $20 and commit to drinking 10 servings. You see, energy shots are a lot like cigarettes. Everyone knows you get the best price buying by the carton, yet, perhaps in an attempt to deny helpless addiction, they buy by the pack. So, while it's obviously less convenient to stop every day, or every other day and buy a 5-hour energy at the gas station or drug store, people will invariably do that.

To compound the problems of getting this delicious energy shot into the hands of the masses, people are lazy, so washing out a bottle and shaking a packet into water is a daunting task like wiping thoroughly, or applying deodorant. Lastly, since the packaging looks like a flu relief product, unless people read (nearly as daunting as the aforementioned) the label, it's likely they will never even comprehend that this is a 5-hour energy alternative, and disregard it subconsciously.

Based on the claims on the packaging, this shot is actually better than 5-hour energy. So, along with having several servings at the ready, it's also better. One thing we've learned from beating our heads against the wall over Red Bull vs. Monster, is that people don't care if it's bigger and better...because it's not Red Bull. Accordingly, any argument about this being better than 5-hour energy will be met with the every-so-insightful rebuttal, "but it's not 5-hour energy".

Where I think this product should win out is a combination of price and convenience. This is the SodaStream (formerly Soda Club) business model. While Everyday Energy has the convenience sorted out, I feel like the price point is way too high, even if you get this in the store for the MSRP, it's still 2/3 of the price of just buying 5-hour energy. If you buy it from the website, the savngs are marginal at best.

Super Lion Energy Drink

Wed, 23 Nov 2011 19:35:07 EST

Jason's Review

Tomorrow is Thanksgiving, and hopefully we will all take the time to stop whining about the rich 1% not giving us their money, while they get richer because we're lazing about on Wall Street, and be thankful for what we do have, or in the Occupy Wall Street people's case, what their parents have given them while they joblessly pursued 4 liberal arts degrees.

Personally, I'm thankful for my salvation through Christ, my family, an unmarried Rachel McAdams. I mean, she's dating Michael Sheen, but who sees that going anywhere?...I digress, I'm also thankful for the White Fudge Oreos I'm exclusively dieting on in an attempt to bulk up for The Biggest Loser auditions. There are lots of super things to be thankful for, perhaps none as "super" as Super Lion Energy Drink.

In case you were unsure of it's superness, the word "super" appears (in english) 8 times, including the names of the bottler and the manufacturer. If you're still not convinced, they've even twice put a Caesar wreath hat on the all caps word "SUPER", to ensure you're aware it's the supreme ruler of all things super. On the front of the can, is a lion, which you may think is super, because he can't be targeted by the hunter's scope...but you'd be wrong. The lion you see is not in the cross-hairs of the scope because it defecated itself and is running in fear from super lion, which is too large to depict on a 8.5 fl. Oz. can. The can also talks of a "New Super Power", I bet it's sight beyond sight...snarf.

Super Lion, like most Asian energy drinks, is not carbonated, and super thick. Super Lion has more carbs per ounce than any drink we've reviewed. 49g in a single 8.5oz serving. That's about a quarter of the per ounce carbs in maple syrup. As a result, it tastes a great deal like candy, and is as thirst-quenching as warm salty buttermilk. Of the fruits, it tastes marginally like apple, but mostly, it tastes like sugar.

Many Asian markets have great prices on imported energy drinks, often cases work out to around $1 per can. These were in a refrigerated unit, ready to drink for $1.25. Super Lion was a nice change of pace, a little too thick to enjoy as a refreshing beverage, but plenty energizing and a great value. Super Lion is good...not like Michael Sheen.

Seriously, Rachel, Michael Sheen? He's already befouled Kate Beckinsale, isn't one hot actress already too many for Michael Sheen? After Underworld and Twilight, his only remaining career move is a Worgen commercial for World of Warcraft.

Stig's Review
I can't imagine Super Lion ever being commonplace at your local convenience stores here in the states. Something about the cough syrup consistency, lack of carbonation, can void of red bulls and a lower price tag must not be to the liking of the general populous of Americans. If you are adventurous to venture into the Asian markets, which is a bit like going on vacation, there are a world of discoveries to be made. Firstly, as you'll discover them on a bed of ice, fish have heads and fins, and don't come out of the ocean battered and pre-fried, the even less processed fish in the aquarium aren't for keeping as pets, coconut gelatin looks as bad as it sounds, and eyes on Asian food packages are either comically large or small. You'll also find a wealth of energy drinks, some of which we've already reviewed, Carabao, Commando Bear, Panther and, of course, Real Red Bull.

Super Lion has more sugar than any of the aforementioned, but is otherwise about the same. I can tell little taste or effectiveness difference between most of the super-sugared uncarbonated Asian energy drinks.

At the price Super Lion and other Asian energy drinks are usually available at Asian markets, they are a steal. I've purchased some drinks as low as 79 cents each. For anyone even remotely concerned about their caloric or carbohydrate intake, this drink is right out. Otherwise, in my opinion, it's as good as anything we have in our convenience stores, at a fraction of the price. Despite its merits, I still feel like it won't catch on, because it's not watered down, carbonated and twice the price, due to marketing.

Bawls Guarana G33K B33R

Wed, 09 Nov 2011 15:21:31 EST

Jason's Review

Since before I even started this website, I've had a deep appreciation for blue Bawls. There was a brief period there, after CompUSA went out of business, where it looked like I may never have blue Bawls again. Thanks to the Bawls Acquisition Group, it returned to the shelves in April 2010.

While the Bawls Acquisition Group has secured a solid distribution network, I still have troubles acquiring Bawls in my area. I used to buy 24 packs of the 16oz. Cans from Amazon shipped for free, now I'd have to sell my body on the streets to afford the shipping. Additionally, whenever I try to buy anything from ThinkGeek, their checkout process tells me I haven't supplied a last name, regardless of the number of expletives I type in that field.

So, it's been almost 6 years since our last Bawls review, and even though G33K B33R around since 2008, we've never had it. Let me start by saying I wasn't disappointed. It had a premium root beer flavor you'd expect from any of the top brands like A&W or Mug. Something about the glass bottle makes it taste even more chilled and refreshing than out of a can. Speaking of the bottle, I've seen every other Bawls product available in cans, this is the only product I've only seen in person in bottles. There are a few online images of G33K B33R in silver 16oz. Cans.

I don't know if the formula is different, but I didn't get nearly as energized from G33K B33R as from blue Bawls. When I drink Bawls, I want to be right on the verge of the shakes, or an eyelid twitch, a sensation I regularly get from a 16oz. Can of blue Bawls. In the past, I've attributed this to the natural caffeine from guarana, instead of the caffeine anhydrous powder I reckon you get in almost every other energy drink.

While I like the classic bottle design, and the taste is above reproach, I feel $2 is too expensive. Either $1.49 for the bottles, or $2 for 16oz. Cans, is a far more savory price point. I'd love for Bawls to try to work with Amazon to get all their products available in 24 cases for $40-$48 with free shipping.

Stig's Review
Like many late-90s early-2000s gamers and geeks, I'm a fan of the Bawls franchise. I remember lots of bawls-related internet endeavors, most memorably bawls computer cases, bawls chandeliers, and bawls tables. Distribution, at least to me as a consumer, has always seemed to be the shortcoming of Bawls ending up in my refrigerator. Even before NewEgg, I rarely had reason to go to CompUSA, except for my weekly trip to buy a case of Bawls? I probably went to CompUSA with more consistency than the grocery store. Then, Bawls fell off the map for me, and Monster had to do.

Still unable to get Bawls, I'm ensured, on their spiffier new website, that they are expanding their distribution to include my area. I'm hopeful. I'm also encouraged that their last press release focused on reclaiming the crown of drink choice of the gamers at QuakeCon 2011, interestingly a marketing strategy proposed on this website in December, 2005.

G33K B33R has eluded us all, mostly because of our unwillingness to pay nearly $20 to ship a case here, when there's already a mountains of drinks filling the garage. As we discovered, the difference being that G33K B33R, unlike 70% of the drinks in storage, is worth drinking. Most of the crap in the market is the same old Red Bull-ish syrupy, uninspired mess.

I only know of two other root beers, All-In Root Beer, which was sweetened primarily with sucralose. It was good, but left something to be desired of a thick foamy authentic root beer. The other was Amway's XS Root Beer, which we'll never review, because we learned our lesson about reviewing XS drinks already. We have sampled it, and, while it's also good, it's also lo-calorie. That means that G33K B33R is the only carbed root beer energy drink/high caffeine drink we've had. I would prefer they use cane sugar, instead of high fructose corn syrup. Regardless, it's delicious, and delivers everything you'd expect from a full-bodied root beer.

Unfortunately, root beers are commonplace, so, while this is a delicious guarana Bawls beverage, I'm not nearly as big a fan as I am of the original Bawls. Everything about Bawls Guarana (blue bawls) is more appealing.

Red Jak Energy Drink

Wed, 02 Nov 2011 13:28:49 EST

Jason's Review

I see you're admiring my registered sex offender mustache halloween costume. Based on my conversation with police this year, it was one of the more convincing costumes they'd seen.

Today we're reviewing Red Jak, a 70 cent "premium" energy drink that was acquired at Big Lots. It offers a syrupy-urine inducing 62g of carbohydrates per can, and if 58g of sugar isn't enough to get you going, Red Jak also offers a reasonable 164mg of caffeine per can.

Based on the name, I assumed this would be a Red Bull knockoff. I can't place this as being a direct generic of any one drink, but it's most like Cocain Mild, which we reviewed a few weeks ago. The taste has a cherry/strawberry sweet/tart duality. If they toned down the tartnesss, it would taste a good deal like Cheerwine, a coveted Carolina Beverage formulated in Salisbury, NC in 1917.

Since we acquired this at Big Lots, we have no idea of the manufacturer's suggested retail price. The company's website offers a 45 second flash load screen (on 12mb/sec ADSL2), which turns out was all for graphics of cans spinning around. Thank goodness for "developers" who make useless flash websites. They keep prices high, quality expectations low, and ultimately, my parent company in business. After you click through the 3 possible navigation points on the site, you arrive at a shop, which of course has no products. My thanks to another flash developer for promising the world to a company, charging lavish fees, delivering some eye candy, and then leaving the client destitute when it's time to do anything server-side.

All-in-all, if you see Red Jak for 70 cents, it's a good value. If you see a website development company with Red Jak listed as one of their clients, stay far far away.

Stig's Review
I've never heard of Big Red soda. I was only aware of Big Red chewing gum. I found the Big Red soda's website, which cleared up the matter of them being around since 1937. At the time of this review, about 120,000 people like Big Red on facebook. It's interesting that Jason mentioned Cheerwine in his video review, because I assume that Big Red, like Cheerwine, is a regionally available soda that has a big local following.

Unfortunately, I'm not sure that carries away weight in the energy drink arena, particularly since "Big" doesn't appear on the can at all, and I have no real indication at first, or second glance that this drink is affiliated with Big Red soda at all. The only real tie-in is a banner ad to buy Red Jak in the Big Red Online store. From here, all logic is lost. Firstly, why can you not just buy Red Jak in the Big Red Store, secondly, how long have they been linking a Red Jak banner ad to an empty store?

As for the drink itself, I found Red Jak to be too sweet, and it left me with a sour stomach. The taste is fruity, and best described with a comparison to any of the chalky fruit candies (sweettarts, spree, etc.). One noteworthy difference, since Red Jak isn't chalky, your tongue won't get sore before your body reacts to the influx of pure cane sugar.

Red Jak is plenty energizing, and is a great value at 70 cents. Particularly since, in the future, I'd drink it in two servings, and wouldn't feel vomitous. It's like getting two 8oz. Energy drinks for 35 cents each.

Cocaine Spicy Hot

Mon, 24 Oct 2011 16:10:15 EST

Jason's Review

I tried cocaine for the first time a few weeks ago. Once you're on cocaine, it's hard to get off it.

The first order of business is to explain what they mean by spicy hot. On a scale of hot from mild to Butt Blazin Recipe #2 Sphincter Shrinker Triple X Hot Sauce, Cocaine is about a 7. The heat builds, and burns mostly in the throat area, like post-vomit acid burn. Cocaine Spicy Hot couldn't be less refreshing without adding dirt. I could enjoy sipping this next to the fireplace on Christmas Eve in my snuggie, but otherwise, I have no use for Cocaine Spicy Hot. I'd choose the mild every time.

Like Mild, there's no questioning the raw power of nearly 300mg of caffeine, which is what appears to be the medical industry's maximum safe daily caffeine consumption quantity for adults. So, that's the recommended daily maximum in an 8.4oz. drink. It's got other stuff, taurine, B Vitamins and whatnot, but 280mg of caffeine is what will juggle your booboo.

Since Cocaine Mild is drinkable, and enjoyable, it's a far better value. While I love hot foods, I only enjoy hot drinks on rare occasion. I liked Molotov Explosive Energy, but it's on such rare occasion, I've had over half a case in my pantry since last year. If you intend to do anything other than drink this straight out of the can, there may be some virtues to its cinnamony-strawberry flavor, perhaps a spiced apple cider at your Christmas party. The can even has a festive Christmas feel.

Stig's Review
While the can is pretty, I have no idea why anyone would ever drink Cocaine Spicy Hot. It's like drinking a handful of Red Hots. I was sweating and my sinuses had opened the floodgates before I finished the can. I can taste a hint of the strawberry that's so enjoyable in the Mild, buried under all the burning.

It takes me longer to drink Spicy Hot Cocaine, so I don't feel like I get as hyped as off the Mild. Because I ingest Mild in about 15 minutes, I feel a pronounced energy rush. It takes me about 2-3 hours to muddle through the Cocaine Spicy Hot, and by then, I'm certainly not on the verge of having the jitters.

While the Cocaine's branding is trite, and probably intends to target preteens with its "edgy" street drug antics, no matter how stupid preteens are, they aren't stupid enough to keep drinking this mess. The mild flavor, sure, they may have something there, but unless marketed as a nasal decongestant, the spicy hot should fade into obscurity in the not-to-distant future.

Cocaine Mild

Wed, 05 Oct 2011 14:19:07 EST

Jason's Review
Hello again, Jason from screamingenergy.com. Like Tweak, Sin, 420 and all the other sophomorically-named energy drinks, cocaine's branding is campy and unsophisticated.

Let's be clear, we're not talking about actual cocaine. Cocaine is an life-ruining narcotic that increases ones propensity to indiscriminately and literally prostitute ones self to get just one more high. It causes otherwise honest people to steal, lie and thoroughly, often irreparably compromise their morals, destroying the confidence of friends and family...and that's what makes the drink name so clever. Because, when I think of energy, the first thing that comes to mind is knowingly spreading communicable diseases, neglecting the needs of my children and stealing from my disabled parents to buy drugs from my dealer, a pillar of the community, who's also an artisan at trafficking Nigerian children for sexual exploitation. In short, I think about all the lives ruined by cocaine, and it's just super that they've decided to make an energy drink with that name.

Assuming you can ignore the name, which is like ignoring a kick in the unmentionables, cocaine mild energy drink is surprisingly palatable for something with so much caffeine. 280Mg, which is about 3.5 Red Bulls, should taste like a 9-volt battery covered in sidewalk chalk. Surprisingly, it's got a bitter strawberry flavor that's more enjoyable proportionally, to a reasonable extent, to the amount of ice added.

After I drink cocaine mild, I'm awake and alert, and for a reasonable amount of time. I believe the "crash" is 90% marketing myth created by 5-hour energy, so I'll not entertain the notion that I experienced one.

Cocaine mild is available online at $40 for a 24 case, that's $1.67/can. If you don't mind looking like a absolute tool carrying around "Cocaine Energy Drink", it's super strong, tastes pretty good, and is a far better than average value.

Stig's Review
The red cocaine was popular several years ago, then it disappeared for a while. About a year ago, some guy contacted us saying he could supply us with Brawndo - The Thirst Mutilator and Cocaine. We told him how to send samples, and never heard anything else from him. Then, about a month ago, we got information from someone else offering cocaine. When the package arrived, it contained the familiar red can, but also a blue and a cocaine shot. We don't really care how all this transpired, and we're pretty sure you don't either. What we do care about is that the red can, which we never sampled in the past, is currently hot/spicy, and the blue is mild. We have no idea if possible previous iterations of the original red-canned Cocaine were also spicy, or if this is new.

The sarcastic warning on the side is moderately cute, and we agree, it would take a pretty big idiot to think this contains cocaine. Unfortunately, the world is full of pretty big idiots.

The blue (mild) cocaine is pretty good. Tastes like bitter strawberries. I like to serve mine over ice and water down the flavor. The colder, the better, and I enjoy the flavor more after it's a little watered down.

I simply can't argue with 280mg of caffeine. It's a potent amount. Children are stupid, and this should not be within their grasps to try to "show off". "Slamming" or "Chugging" these will result in some kid going to the emergency room, followed by an obligatory outcry to pull them from the shelves. When it happens, we'll take our usual position of pitying the stupidity of the persons involved (sadly for our educational system, people who were able to graduate high school, in the case of Four Loko) and auto-deleting any emails related to it.